Socialyz.com

Well fuck me they’ve done it again. Whoever is responsible for these lame ‘Love’ Spam emails from abroad have got another one into my inbox. Here it is… she ain’t quite a Scarlett Johansson look alike this time.

Hello my the surprised friend! You can say that again, I’m fucken shocked!

My name Lyudmila and I wish to take away from you at all a lot of time and to penetrate in my letter! My trade the doctor the dentist. I had an ingenious idea to try to find love not in that place where I live namely not in Russia! In me there were such emotions since recent time! I would like to tell to you about it my friend. On my work in the Stomotologichesky Polyclinic I had a chance that I will go on an exchange for practice to other city for me it it was good and not much not on myself because to go to other city on practice! I do not have there friends or even I am simple girlfriends with which I can to spend time and speak cheerfully about problems in mine to a new life.
But all has exchanged and on an exchange there has gone my colleague which only not for a long time has come to us for work after the termination of Medical university. But the desire to find the acquaintance from other country at me remains on former. I thought of a step as acquaintance to the person from other country much. Once after work I have gone on foot because weather was fine and saw as enamoured steams follow a hand and exchange gentle kisses. I do not have not enough tenderness and the favourite person in the lives and it to me became very clear after this walk. I like to walk sometimes one alone with myself and to think about the lives. I could not find the happiness in my city and till now is lonely. For myself I have resolved to search for the love in other country. Especially I heard much about that that people from other countries are more romantic and are careful concerning relations with women, so to say they have a spark in eyes! I am ready completely to this step and have bought yours e-mail in International Dating Agency. To me have told that you my friend very good lonely person with kind and open heart. I wish to tell about myself directly that to me 32 years and my growth 168 see I live to Russia, city Kanash. I wish to be happy life in the and I have serious sights at this world. At me the big age and is a lot of experience behind shoulders. I am confident that we can to find with you the general a theme of conversation and to learn each other more.
I hope to see yours the letter my friend about your life. As I to place my foto with the letter and some resume in a file. I very much would like to see yours the letter and to have with you acquaintance.
I would like to see that we became good friends and not only.

If you are serious and interested please reply ONLY to my personal e-mail:  kindlyudmila@gmail.com

My letter to you was sent by manager International Dating Agency therefore write on my personals e-mail:  kindlyudmila@gmail.com

Yours new friend Lyudmila

And heres her pic.

Penetrate Me - like I penetrated my back with my arm

I’m not even going to bother dissecting this one. It’s nowhere near in the class of the previous one. Four out of ten.

Here is my response:

Dear WankFace

I think you write like a total titbag. Surely you might have considered that if you wrote something relatively intelligable dumb idiots out there might actually be caught in your stupid scam. Instead I am publishing your shite letter for anyone who wants to scam you BACK to do so, because it is written so KAK. I hope it was worth the effort, you’re probably going to have to change your email address soon.

Here’s a thought. I think you would actually do far better if you considered surveying your target market. Now for a small fee I could help you there. Lets say ummmm how about 10% of your scam winnings, or $5000 up front. I have to admit I’m feeling a heeluva lot more comfortable with getting paid up front. I could help you by being a test subject for each email you send out. Shit I could also help you correlate this shit email with the CV you have attached, just so you have all your ducks in a row. In case you hadn’t noticed, your grammar was way better in The CV attached.

Now think about it, this is a one time offer, if you don’t go for it, I’m mailing your cousin Hasmi. She is waaaay fucken better looking that Ludwhatever.

That reminds me this chick isn’t hot enough. If you wanna scam people she has to be an ANGEL. A total fucken babe. You reckon “At me the big age and is a lot of experience behind shoulders” Umm thats probably cos of the weird way she bends her arm out from her back like that. Not cool.

Yours in Jesus

Joe Social

I get a lot of junk mail. Most of it is from complete strangers offering me help with my sex life and showing a disturbing amount of concern about the size of my dick, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Does ANYONE actually buy from these guys? What on earth is going on in your life for you to start selling cock hardeners to complete strangers in foreign countries via the internet? I suppose you can’t use traditional sales techniques. I mean imagine getting a cold call on that?

Incoming Call, Private Number

“Hello Sir how are you?

Me: “Sorry who am I talking to now?

Him: “Hi Mr Socialyz, I’m Bob from Viagra Cape Town. We would like to offer you drugs to enhance the performance of your penis.”

Me: “Do you have any female sales staff I could rather speak to?”

Bob: “No”

I’m like “Bob, do you enjoy your job Bob? How many sales have you done this month Bob?”

Ok I’m going off on a tangent here.

I got this beaut of a mail today. For the uninitiated, this is a mail where I am expected to get duped into thinking some hotty is after my beef, we correspond for a short period then she needs money for her ailing moms lung transplant or some shit like that. Hey maybe her dad or cousin is the dude with a fir tree up his ass in his lung?!

Here it is:

“Hello!!!

I write you this letter as today on mine e-mail has come the Internet Dispatch with yours e-mail. In the given letter, it was spoken about the love Relations between people. Therefore I have decided to write you the letter on yours e-mail. I as to search for serious relations as I wish to find The present love.
My name is Hasmi. I, as well as all women of our country, I like to cook food as to go in for sports. I do not smoke and not I take alcohol. I search for the real man who will love, and To respect me. I wish to get acquainted with you more close, by means of e-mail.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail:  hasmyn@gmail.com

I hope, that you will answer me mine e-mail the address. As I with the big Impatience I will wait your letter to me, with more detailed story.

Hasmi.”

It was accompanied by this…

foxy little scammer biatch

Rude little fucker didn’t even use my name when she greeted me. This little fox is vaguely Scarlett Johanssonish. I totally never expected such a hottie man. She is gorgeous. Sure beats her being an ugly bitch. I think I can overlook her poor diction and focus on her other charms.

She would have no problem finding a suitor in whatever that stunning place is that she is standing in is. Fuck me did that make sense?

If only. I like it that out of the 6 billion or so of us naked apes on the planet, she chose me!! Thank fuck she got my Internet Dispatch! She (or most probably he) then gets all Shakesperean on my ass and goes on to say most eloquently “In the given letter, it was spoken about the love Relations between people.“ Was it? Ummm you sure you got the right Internet Dispatch? I coulda sworn my Dispatch said. Looking for a gal who’ll fuck, cook and clean… and yes, in that order. She wants to find the Present Love.

That would be me darling.

Now this is a gem, her name is HASMI. Geddit? She’s got me. She has me. Well she definately gets me with the next line. “I like to cook food as to go in for sports” Just careful on the spelling of the word ‘cook’ there honey, wouldn’t wanna cock that one up. This sentence is a little ambiguous but either she likes to cater for sporting events which absolutely fucken rocks… or she is after some game time after making me din dins.  Or, maybe she mispelled cock as cook and I got this all wrong? She likes cock food? Is that some kind of chicken feed? I’m hoping not.

She doesn’t smoke which means once we are engaged to be married (after I pay for her and her uncles to escape poverty) she will try make me stop smoking, which is pretty kak, and she doesn’t “take” a drink, which is a damn shame. I like my women (note the plural) to “take a drink” now and then, it certainly spices things up a little.

She is searching for the real man who will respect her. I’m fucken shocked she didn’t say “I the pleasant girl” They ALL say that. Well judging by how she just picked on a random fucken stranger on the arse end of the world, she ain’t getting any respect from me. She has probably shagged half the internet by now. She then wants to fuck me, but by email. I think we are at different stages in our lives babe. It’s not you it’s me.

Well darling I’m flattered by your proposition, really I am. She goes on to spell her name differently in her email address. Incidentally the original email came from an entirely different email address. I dunno about you but I’m not normally in the habit of cross pollinating my email addresses, it just gets confusing and it’s downright childish. EVERYONE knows everyone just hits reply.

So in case you were wondering what my response to the mail is, this is it. Yep ‘she’ is getting this mailed to her at BOTH addresses. If this happens to be some cruel twist of fate and the angel in this photo actually wrote me this crap, then at least she will know I have a sense of humour and thank you Jesus, although my birthday is only in December. Chicks dig okes with a sense of humour, or so I’ve been told.

Talking about Jesus, whoever wrote this and is trying to scam people needs to know that Jesus would be very, very cross with them.

PS. If the innocent young lady in this picture actually sees this post, mail me, we could be good together baby!