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Thank fuck I live in Africa, a place KFC knows nothing about.

Out here on the frontier we can say what we feel, and I feel that it’s bullshit that that we have to be subjected to the claims they spout out of their arse about their logo that is visible from space being the first of it’s kind. This while they still dont acknowledge an entire continent.

Yip you read that bit correctly.

Not only do they not really believe Africa exists as I posted about here [and here and most especially here], they find it neccessary to create a logo that is visible from space. This completely defeats any kind of object for me, seeing as a) we have yet to find any sort of chicken eating life from above, and b) astronauts being on strict diets which almost certainly precludes any form of deep fat fried chicken.

They consider it necessary to spend fuck knows how much money erecting a sign consisting of 65,000 1-foot-square tiles laid out in the Mojave desert. Now this is really cool and all of that, but how about spending a shit load less money and put a link to Africa on your crappy shite music enabled website?

To refresh your memory here it is…

Where the fuck is Africa?

Yes my darling little chicken peeps, when you go to KFC.com and select their ‘Global operations’ option hidden waaaaaaay down on the bottom somewhere, this is what you see. Maybe this has something to do with Americans absolutely shocking knowledge of our planet. Fuck maybe they were advertising at African’s when they built this… we all know how little they know about where Africa is, maybe they think we can see shit from space.

Getting a head in the Mojave Desert

Complete and utter fucken waste of time and money

Now you can go through to KFC.com and see exactly what I mean, if you can get past the godawful music that only some redneck in the USA musta ‘thunk up’. You’ll have to look for the KFC global link at the bottom, whilst being driven mad by the awful soundtrack. Luckily you can turn the shit off, like I did as you can see from the screengrabs below. You also have to navigate past the keepers of the gate into kitsch…

I wouldn't do that, your'e starting to look like a bunch of tits.

I dare you to follow that link.

Incidentally try do so alone with no work mates or small children in the room. This has to be one of the most disturbing websites I’ve seen in many a year.

In fact that stupid jingle gives me nightmares.

Now the point of this whole story is actually pretty simple. They were in fact NOT the first people to logo the fuck out of some poor desert paradise. That pleasure belongs to Readymix in Australia, mini America if you will. This logo has been visible from ‘up there’ for quite some time. It’s 3.2km across, and 1.6km high – and it’s been there since 1965.

And the point is?

The whole world 1 – KFC 0.

Now I would direct this tirade at someone here in South Africa, however, as mentioned before, they don’t have a website, so I cannot find anyone to direct it to.

My 75 year old mother has a website.

You’re probably aware of my thoughts on KFC.

You’ll know by now that I find it mind blowing that KFC don’t cater for Africa on their International website. I wrote all about it [here and here] and I still think it’s ridiculous. According to KFC, this is what the world looks like…

Theres something not quite right about this hmmmm what could it be?

Weeks later and a new KFC ‘problem’ has raised its ugly head. You see, for some reason, KFC seems to think it’s cool to wipe your hands on a childs head. Now to me this would possibly constitute some form of child abuse, I mean I know I’m not the target demographic for this ad, but seriously, wiping your hands on a kid’s head?

That’s just really not cool.

Here is the advert.

Incidentally a Mr HT Frans saw this advert and instead of saying “Geez they can’t do that to a kid”, he thought the next most obvious thing.

This advert promotes the spread of cholera.

Not the common cold mind you, not even hepatitis.

No, Cholera.

Obviously.

A Kentucky Fried Chicken television ad showing men wiping their greasy fingers on a boy’s head has been cleared of the charge that it could promote the spread of cholera.

In a ruling handed down this week, the Advertising Standards Authority also decided that the wiping was not a form of child abuse.

A Mr HT Frans had complained that the men were transferring their germs to the boy, counter to department of health ads encouraging people to wash their hands to avoid spreading cholera.

“There is no evidence before the directorate that the actions depicted in the commercial could cause cholera infection as alleged by the complainant,” the ASA said.

It said KFC’s attorneys had submitted that it was an African tradition for elders to wipe their hands on the heads of youngsters after a meal in the belief that this would endow the youngsters with future wealth.

The ASA said it was satisfied that the commercial did not contain anything which might result in children being harmed mentally, morally, physically or emotionally.

That’s enough to make me wanna give KFC a miss. Now one thing that disturbs me, is the African tradition of wiping ones hand on a childs head to endow the kid with future wealth.

Umm what?

Thats just sick man. What if youre chowing  a double garlic chessy blue cheese and liver pizza, or some shit like that? The poor kid is gonna walk around smelling like a ball, and you know what kinda ball I’m talking about.

Sounds to me like this tradition was started due to some folks not wanting to get up to go fetch a dishcloth.

By the way in case you were wondering, I would never eat a pizza like that, kids or no kids. I think the kids should maybe resort to wearing CAPSAC (here ya go) that might sort it out. They can have napkins in CAPSAC. That ought to do it.

Now where did I park my car?

Oh here it is…

You should really not do this, you look like a chop

As a friend of mine says, EVERYONE hates a bad burger. You need to listen to her, she is a chef. Wise words those.

Well I recently went down to the new KFC at Eden on the Bay in Big Bay, just a stones throw away from where I live. I was excited as I like KFC, and when I got there i saw a brand spanking new shiny store. The lady at the till was extremely pleasant and we  had a chat about ‘bling bling’… (I was wearing my Kangol Bling Bling Party T shirt). So I was super excited to buy my ICL Twenty20 World Cup Box Meal. Hell I even chatted to my ex girlfriend while I waited for it to arrive.

Life was grand.

The storm had not yet hit, summer was still here, birds were singing in the trees, children were laughing and dogs were playing. Well at least I think they were playing.

My burger arrived, nice and environmentally friendly like in its brown paper bag.

I was expecting it to look like what I ordered, which was this…

Fillet Rounder with hash brown, Sans Tomato

Instead, when I got home and opened the thing, I got this.

Rounder Mini-me

Ok I already ate the hash brown, but still this was a disappointment. I only wish I had gotten a better picture but my super kak Samsung Omnia Camera irritates me at the best of times. Which is sad cos I was sooo keen to get it once upon a long time ago.

So granted its probably not the worst thing you’ve seen, but this burger doesnt look anything like it should. You know I really hate that they added tomatoes to the mix, and then started using less sauce. We are not stupid Colonel Sanders. We know that tomatoes are cheaper than one extra squirt of sauce.It was dry, small, and had hardly any batter on it.

The children, birds and dogs had all gone silent.

So I mosey’d on over to www.kfc.co.za to check out what a burger should look like. The website didn’t exist. Neither did www.kentuckyfriedchicken.co.za. Fuck I even tried www.canluckyfuckchicken.co.za.

Nothing.

I got to the INTERNATIONAL SITE. I got past the horrific music and tried to find a picture of what I was supposed to have eaten.

Nothing.

EVENTUALLY I found a link to KFC Global, which was tucked away under a winglet at the base of the page. I clucked… err clicked it, and this popped up.

No space for Africa in KFC's world vision

That’s nice.

They don’t find it neccessary to have KFC AFRICA. I mean it’s AFRICA for fucks sake. There must be a hundred million people on this continent who flippen LOVE KFC. The CEO of KFC is from South Africa goddamit. (by way of Australia with a super kak aussie accent thing going down)

This is poor form.

So in protest, even though I was flippen BURNING to have have KFC after writing this, I instead went to Pick ‘n Pay, where I got my very own ingredients to make my OWN food.

All told my shopping spree only cost me R592 and I still have to make the food. That’ll’learn’ you KFC!!!!