Socialyz.com

I get a lot of junk mail. Most of it is from complete strangers offering me help with my sex life and showing a disturbing amount of concern about the size of my dick, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Does ANYONE actually buy from these guys? What on earth is going on in your life for you to start selling cock hardeners to complete strangers in foreign countries via the internet? I suppose you can’t use traditional sales techniques. I mean imagine getting a cold call on that?

Incoming Call, Private Number

“Hello Sir how are you?

Me: “Sorry who am I talking to now?

Him: “Hi Mr Socialyz, I’m Bob from Viagra Cape Town. We would like to offer you drugs to enhance the performance of your penis.”

Me: “Do you have any female sales staff I could rather speak to?”

Bob: “No”

I’m like “Bob, do you enjoy your job Bob? How many sales have you done this month Bob?”

Ok I’m going off on a tangent here.

I got this beaut of a mail today. For the uninitiated, this is a mail where I am expected to get duped into thinking some hotty is after my beef, we correspond for a short period then she needs money for her ailing moms lung transplant or some shit like that. Hey maybe her dad or cousin is the dude with a fir tree up his ass in his lung?!

Here it is:

“Hello!!!

I write you this letter as today on mine e-mail has come the Internet Dispatch with yours e-mail. In the given letter, it was spoken about the love Relations between people. Therefore I have decided to write you the letter on yours e-mail. I as to search for serious relations as I wish to find The present love.
My name is Hasmi. I, as well as all women of our country, I like to cook food as to go in for sports. I do not smoke and not I take alcohol. I search for the real man who will love, and To respect me. I wish to get acquainted with you more close, by means of e-mail.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail:  hasmyn@gmail.com

I hope, that you will answer me mine e-mail the address. As I with the big Impatience I will wait your letter to me, with more detailed story.

Hasmi.”

It was accompanied by this…

foxy little scammer biatch

Rude little fucker didn’t even use my name when she greeted me. This little fox is vaguely Scarlett Johanssonish. I totally never expected such a hottie man. She is gorgeous. Sure beats her being an ugly bitch. I think I can overlook her poor diction and focus on her other charms.

She would have no problem finding a suitor in whatever that stunning place is that she is standing in is. Fuck me did that make sense?

If only. I like it that out of the 6 billion or so of us naked apes on the planet, she chose me!! Thank fuck she got my Internet Dispatch! She (or most probably he) then gets all Shakesperean on my ass and goes on to say most eloquently “In the given letter, it was spoken about the love Relations between people.“ Was it? Ummm you sure you got the right Internet Dispatch? I coulda sworn my Dispatch said. Looking for a gal who’ll fuck, cook and clean… and yes, in that order. She wants to find the Present Love.

That would be me darling.

Now this is a gem, her name is HASMI. Geddit? She’s got me. She has me. Well she definately gets me with the next line. “I like to cook food as to go in for sports” Just careful on the spelling of the word ‘cook’ there honey, wouldn’t wanna cock that one up. This sentence is a little ambiguous but either she likes to cater for sporting events which absolutely fucken rocks… or she is after some game time after making me din dins.  Or, maybe she mispelled cock as cook and I got this all wrong? She likes cock food? Is that some kind of chicken feed? I’m hoping not.

She doesn’t smoke which means once we are engaged to be married (after I pay for her and her uncles to escape poverty) she will try make me stop smoking, which is pretty kak, and she doesn’t “take” a drink, which is a damn shame. I like my women (note the plural) to “take a drink” now and then, it certainly spices things up a little.

She is searching for the real man who will respect her. I’m fucken shocked she didn’t say “I the pleasant girl” They ALL say that. Well judging by how she just picked on a random fucken stranger on the arse end of the world, she ain’t getting any respect from me. She has probably shagged half the internet by now. She then wants to fuck me, but by email. I think we are at different stages in our lives babe. It’s not you it’s me.

Well darling I’m flattered by your proposition, really I am. She goes on to spell her name differently in her email address. Incidentally the original email came from an entirely different email address. I dunno about you but I’m not normally in the habit of cross pollinating my email addresses, it just gets confusing and it’s downright childish. EVERYONE knows everyone just hits reply.

So in case you were wondering what my response to the mail is, this is it. Yep ‘she’ is getting this mailed to her at BOTH addresses. If this happens to be some cruel twist of fate and the angel in this photo actually wrote me this crap, then at least she will know I have a sense of humour and thank you Jesus, although my birthday is only in December. Chicks dig okes with a sense of humour, or so I’ve been told.

Talking about Jesus, whoever wrote this and is trying to scam people needs to know that Jesus would be very, very cross with them.

PS. If the innocent young lady in this picture actually sees this post, mail me, we could be good together baby!