How To And How Not To Have Incredibly Hot Sex

At socialyz we write about most things. I took a stroll down memory lane and I thought it quite funny that most websites have everything including the S word. At Socialyz we have everything from Science and Technology, Hot Chicks , News and Opinions, Lifestyle to Music and Media. Where is the sex in all of this? Where??? I ask with tears in my big green eyes!

So Asstatstic ( that’s me ) had a little chat with The Loose Wheel. That was probably my first mistake. She suggested adding some umts umts umts.  The second was starting this article, because Joe Social is either going to drag me to the bedroom after this or he’ll run for the hills. I’m hoping for door number 1.

To have sex you basically need one Vajayjay and one penis. The penis should preferably be a decent size, both ways. This technique obviously works differently for the gay community. You will also need lots of energy, add some toys while you’re at it.

How To Have Hot Sex

Show And Tell: Learn to say things like “Please fuck me” or ” You have a nice cock” . You’d be surprised at how those few words can make a man (literally) move you. Moaning works, screaming works even better, but don’t fake it  ’cause guys can generally tell if you’re not really liking it that much. The poor bloke will just end up trying even harder ( pardon the pun) and fail miserably.

If the sex is not doing anything for you TELL him what he should do. A man can’t (unfortunately) read your mind, he won’t know so if you want him to touch your boobs tell him. If you are shy, take his hand and show him.  Same for guys, you want a girl to please you. Tell her, or show her. Spanking is also good, infact it’s great!

Remind Him Or Her What’s Waiting At Home: Technology is your oyster. Send him or her a text or email (or if you are really brave you can call him and whisper it over the phone) and explain to him how hot he makes you, how wet you are, you’re not wearing any panties etc. Or tell him you’re wearing your sexies undies and you can’t wait for him to take it off… with his teeth.

Guys can also play along. Just tell her you can’t wait to get home and take her clothes off. Infact, tell her how you are going to take them off and then tell her what you are planning on doing with her when you get your sweaty claws all over her. Grrrr! Describe every little detail, and tell him or her what you’d like them to do to you. Trust me,  the anticipation is going to drive you both insane.

Get Rid Of The Bore: Let me guess, you like doing it with the lights off? Try it with the lights on. And don’t close your eyes, keep them open. Eye contact is HOT HOT HOT! Everyone gets tired of the bedroom walls so why don’t you try the kitchen counter, or the couch?

If you are brave you can try it on your balcony (preferably early hours of the morning when there is no one around who could get you into trouble), if you have a desk at your house, why not do it like they do it in movies. The most popular is the shower, so feel free to drop the soap and bend over.

The Comedy: If you are anything like me, you have a great sense of humour especially in the bedroom ( wherever really). Humour doesn’t kill the sexy vibe, getting kneed in the crotch does, and this works both ways. So stay calm especially if you’re trying new manoeuvres.

How Not To Have Hot Sex

This is pretty easy. Try not to be nervous. Nervousness makes you clumsy, then you make the other person nervous and then all you are, are a pair of naked klutzes. This is why a sense of humour is important. It’s not that difficult, if you really don’t know what the hell you’re doing you can always pretend that you know exactly what you’re doing and then you can basically ask the other person to do with you what they want. Chances are they’ll jump at the chance to tie you up and shag the living day lights out of you. And you might even enjoy it.

The other thing to remember is don’t ever shout out or say lines from movies, especially Star Wars movies. For example:

“Size matters not! Look at me!”
“You have controlled your fear! Now, unleash your anger!”
“Control, control, you must learn control!”
“In time, you will call me master.”
“Get in there, you big furry oaf!”
“You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought!”
“Ungh! And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”
“…I am your father!”

Ha! Yes I know…

So it’s all about anticipation, it’s fun and I think everyone over the age of 18 should do it. Now please, go forth and multiply!

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