Facebook Fan Mail – My Stalker
14 Nov
Every now and again, shit happens and I get these really weird freaky messages in my inbox. God only knows how these people find me but they do and these messages sound like something from a dating site from some foreign country where English is rarely spoken and spelling and grammar was not part of their school curriculum.
So here is my weekly fan mail followed by my reply to this strange man from, I can only assume,some small town in America.
Hi cutie,
How are you doing today? I hope you are doing Good. I’m so sorry If I might have disturbed you in anyways by sending you a Message through the Aid of the site Mailing medium. I am basically new on here and I was finding a friend, When I stumbled across your Profile and Wow-I found out you were one Good looking Lady with an Amazing Smile. If I am not being too forward, I would like to get to know you more better if you don’t mind.
Well here is more about me… I’m an honest, Passionate, Have a dry sense of Humor, Down to earth, Laid-back, Have my Priorities Straight and Caring person who would give the shirt off my back to help someone in need. There is lot that I can offer a person and when it’s brought up to the table for me to dig into and do what ever i am supposed to do then I will get it done to the best of my ability, but I do know this much I know how to treat a lady and I am A GOD fearing man and I’ll admit that, I admit when I am wrong, I’ll cry when something goes wrong, that is the sensitive side of me. me. Theres no shame in crying I do it and it makes me feel better especially when something goes wrong for her, if it does and she cries then I’ll cry right along with her, lean her head on my shoulder, hold her so tight and not let go of her that is me and I will tell you more about me if you want to know..
I would Love to here from you, get to know you, and i don’t think you would waste your time getting to know me.. you can reach via facebook back or catch me up on yahoo messenger and my id is xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com or you can send me your id ‘ll be looking forward to hearing from you soon. Take care of yourself!!
Cheers…Frank
Dear Frank,
I got up early, went to gym and went to work with a big smile on my face. I am doing “good” as you say. You certianly didn’t disturb me by using the “site mailing medium” to drop me a message however I’m going to have to send you the bill for my face cream as I now have extra wrinkles on my forehead to get rid of. I was a bit puzzled and frowned a lot when I read your message. but fear not, I did start laughing uncontrollably at one point and I must thank you for making my day.
I didn’t realise my name was so common over in America. Tell me, are there many people with Dutch surnames in Ohio? Also, how would you know I have a beautiful smile? I certainly am not smiling in my profile picture ( It must be the fact that I’m sucking a straw that has your imagination running wild) and my security settings are tighter than my ass so there’s no way you would have ever in your life seen my smile. I am sceptical with the “getting to know me more better” bit, honestly, I’m still worried about the new wrinkles I now have to get rid of.
Is this a joke? IS THIS REAL LIFE? I mean seriously…I feel so much closer to you right now. I just don’t know what to say right now.
I didn’t realise facebook has a facebook back, once I find it and figure out how it works I’ll be sure to write you all my deepest darkest emotions and just bare my soul as you have done. ( To a complete stranger – I might be psycho you know). You forgot to mention how trusting you are.
I’m still thinking about the bit where you just CRY with her. She’s a very lucky woman. I mean, she’s obviously in a lot of trouble and what better way to keep her mind of it. Crying; so her attention would shift to your issues. 10 out of 10.Make it about YOURSELF .
Thank you for offering to tell me more about yourself, but I think I know enough at this point. We’re like old friends you and I. It’s like that twisted song with the guy shagging the mermaid whilst Lady Gaga mutters something about a cool Nebraska guy, Something about you and I. Are you from Nebraska?
Well Frank, this certainly has been fun. I’ll be honest, I did have a look at your picture and I just can’t help hearing that really annoying southern accent just jumping out via the world wide interfacebook. YOU take care of YOURSELF.
Forever getting new wrinkles,
Asstastic
