4 Jan
Our funny man friend, The Twinmassproducer, and I have been, for weeks now keeping our eye on a BMW X3 parked in and around our complex. Not because it’s a cool car but because this person is quite obviously part of the PLAP club. This woman parks over two parking bays without fail every single time. (more…)
18 Nov
Remember I posted that Video about the dating video with the cat lover? I found another one. I’m not sure If I should laugh or cry but I’ll give this guy 10 out of 10 for trying…
14 Nov
Every now and again, shit happens and I get these really weird freaky messages in my inbox. God only knows how these people find me but they do and these messages sound like something from a dating site from some foreign country where English is rarely spoken and spelling and grammar was not part of their school curriculum.
So here is my weekly fan mail followed by my reply to this strange man from, I can only assume,some small town in America.
Hi cutie,
How are you doing today? I hope you are doing Good. I’m so sorry If I might have disturbed you in anyways by sending you a Message through the Aid of the site Mailing medium. I am basically new on here and I was finding a friend, When I stumbled across your Profile and Wow-I found out you were one Good looking Lady with an Amazing Smile. If I am not being too forward, I would like to get to know you more better if you don’t mind.
Well here is more about me… I’m an honest, Passionate, Have a dry sense of Humor, Down to earth, Laid-back, Have my Priorities Straight and Caring person who would give the shirt off my back to help someone in need. There is lot that I can offer a person and when it’s brought up to the table for me to dig into and do what ever i am supposed to do then I will get it done to the best of my ability, but I do know this much I know how to treat a lady and I am A GOD fearing man and I’ll admit that, I admit when I am wrong, I’ll cry when something goes wrong, that is the sensitive side of me. me. Theres no shame in crying I do it and it makes me feel better especially when something goes wrong for her, if it does and she cries then I’ll cry right along with her, lean her head on my shoulder, hold her so tight and not let go of her that is me and I will tell you more about me if you want to know..
I would Love to here from you, get to know you, and i don’t think you would waste your time getting to know me.. you can reach via facebook back or catch me up on yahoo messenger and my id is xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com or you can send me your id ‘ll be looking forward to hearing from you soon. Take care of yourself!!
Cheers…Frank
Dear Frank,
I got up early, went to gym and went to work with a big smile on my face. I am doing “good” as you say. You certianly didn’t disturb me by using the “site mailing medium” to drop me a message however I’m going to have to send you the bill for my face cream as I now have extra wrinkles on my forehead to get rid of. I was a bit puzzled and frowned a lot when I read your message. but fear not, I did start laughing uncontrollably at one point and I must thank you for making my day.
I didn’t realise my name was so common over in America. Tell me, are there many people with Dutch surnames in Ohio? Also, how would you know I have a beautiful smile? I certainly am not smiling in my profile picture ( It must be the fact that I’m sucking a straw that has your imagination running wild) and my security settings are tighter than my ass so there’s no way you would have ever in your life seen my smile. I am sceptical with the “getting to know me more better” bit, honestly, I’m still worried about the new wrinkles I now have to get rid of.
Is this a joke? IS THIS REAL LIFE? I mean seriously…I feel so much closer to you right now. I just don’t know what to say right now.
I didn’t realise facebook has a facebook back, once I find it and figure out how it works I’ll be sure to write you all my deepest darkest emotions and just bare my soul as you have done. ( To a complete stranger – I might be psycho you know). You forgot to mention how trusting you are.
I’m still thinking about the bit where you just CRY with her. She’s a very lucky woman. I mean, she’s obviously in a lot of trouble and what better way to keep her mind of it. Crying; so her attention would shift to your issues. 10 out of 10.Make it about YOURSELF .
Thank you for offering to tell me more about yourself, but I think I know enough at this point. We’re like old friends you and I. It’s like that twisted song with the guy shagging the mermaid whilst Lady Gaga mutters something about a cool Nebraska guy, Something about you and I. Are you from Nebraska?
Well Frank, this certainly has been fun. I’ll be honest, I did have a look at your picture and I just can’t help hearing that really annoying southern accent just jumping out via the world wide interfacebook. YOU take care of YOURSELF.
Forever getting new wrinkles,
Asstastic
10 Oct
This was bound to happen… a little bit not safe for work…
4 Oct
This one definitely ain’t safe for work people!
I came across was sent this Afrikaans version of the Haka by one of the Biltong Boys, Nino, with decidedly sexual undertones that definitely rates as one of the best mock Hakas Ive seen out there. Hilarious.
13 Sep
It’s Asstastic again and I’m here to inform you that the TwinMassProducer has his birthday on Thursday and we will be celebrating in style on Saturday Ekse! The TwinMassProducer has a knack for making us laugh here in the office and he certainly does have a way with words. He makes pirates look like saints!
So, to sum up the celebration on Satuday I would like to dedicate this song to him as this is probably going to be the state he will leave the party venue in! Happy Birthday mate! Another year matured, like a good red wine. And he loves wine,especially the red kind.
NSFW! Earphones if you please!
( If you see him after his party and he is drunk, remember, he also likes sausage in and around his mouth)
13 Sep
Thats right, and it’s in aid of promoting the latest Loeries, nice one Riaan.
7 Sep
Seriously!
It’s world cup time and seeing as everything is all about New Zealand etc. I thought this was a gem. There was a time when the Haka was just a bunch of white okes who can’t dance looking like a bunch of dicks.
Check it out.
24 Aug
So we all know about Ard Matthews and his two word fuck up. Well Nando’s knows about it too…
22 Aug
I’m a big fan of Eddie Izzard. That man is a legend and he makes me laugh ’till my sides get sore. All over socialyz you will find articles and video clips that have something to do with Eddie Izzard. That oke is fucken main!!
So I know this is old but it’s still funny…
NSFW so please put your ear phones on for fuck sake!
19 Aug
This video ended up in my inbox and I just have to share this with you and even the nerd leaning over your shoulder. It’s almost as good as my article on Lord Von Vader Ham and The Death Star Canteen.
I have 2 new favourite words – Dick pillows.
NSFW!
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19 Aug
It’s Friday at the office and I haven’t written anything in a while. But I’m still Asstastic and I think it’s time to get back on the horse as they say. To my public, I apologise but writing articles for www.commercial-property.co.za has been keeping me super busy.
So back to Carmen who is a real Bitch. We once knew a guy, not the brightest crayon in the box, who started dating this chick called Carmen. They were togther for a short while when he walked up to Joe Social and uttered these words:
” I don’t mean to sound stupid or anything but why does everyone keep calling Carmen a bitch?”
Of Course we couldn’t understand what he was on about untill he said:
“People always say Carmen is a Bitch”
Do you see where I am going with this? So please, Do not mistake KARMA for CARMEN.
15 Jul
Which makes him quite famous or infamous in the UK depending on how you look at things.
Why? Well, Shem has just achieved the notable “accolade” of being named Britains youngest grandfather – aged just 29!
Yup, Shem’s family are taking the UK’s teen-pregnancy vibe to a whole new level. To give you the abridged version of events, Shem Davies became a father to young Tia at aged 14. Not to be outdone of course, Tia has herself given birth to a little girl, Ava one week shy of her 15th birthday, making Shem the UK’s youngest grandad! (more…)
14 Jul
So you might have heard of planking right? It’s the ‘artform’ of laying down on everyday household objuects and the like, taking a picture of your endeavour and then showing everyone how good you are at it.
Not in on the craze yet? Well you might be too late, cos Owling is here and it’s time you moved on to this next big thing. (more…)
12 Jul
Have you heard of K- Swiss? Well me neither.
But after this little gem of an advert featuring Danny McBride, I think we all need to reconsider.
Brilliant. NSFW… if you live in the 1800′s
8 Jul
This oke is Socialyz’s new hero. I’d like to thank The Twinmassproducer for sending me this.
Apparently this Viking just dances in the street and what’s more, he has a whole string of followers…
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